flow/

suicide watch part 1

Posted in stay stay stay by flow on the June 16th, 2006

sick.

i’m sick.

it could be the drugs – but they are supposed to make me better. i crave heat, and i cannot find it, i crave safety, so ensure i am rootless. i crave security, and fail.

what is this thing that i do to myself?

why is it that i torture myself so?

like the cow, being primed to give milk for the family, i resist the subtle song of these earth sirens.

i long for freedom from my bounds, long for release.

there seems to be no end – yet i have tried to end, and somehow i know that it will not serve me well.

mathematics yeilds clues – the gaps in the sequences, the non-computational problems. everywhere is a hint of something unknown.

is this where my freedom lies?

do i create my own exit?

part of me wishes that all of us, slaves to the substrate of life, resist its pull. Fight life.

Fight its temptations. If all of us slaves died, then the slave master would have to change its way,

it is in my power.

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